Empathy Isn’t Agreement: The Leadership Skill Every Flower Shop Needs
Lori taught a leadership class on empathy at AIFD Symposium — and between main-stage duties, Vonda never managed to sit through it. This episode fixes that. It's the first in a series where Lori brings the class to the podcast and aims it squarely at the flower shop: what empathy actually is, why it shows up on your bottom line, and how to practice it without losing your whole afternoon. (First, a little accountability in action: after two years of talking about work-life balance, Lori booked her first pickleball lesson. Progress.)
Empathy is a skill, not a personality trait
Lori will tell you she was born with a propensity for it — the kid the family called "our little Lori, she wears her heart on her sleeve," who cried at TV shows and whenever her siblings got in trouble. But the myth she wants to bust first is that you either have empathy or you don't. Like communication or leadership, some people start with a head start; everyone can build the muscle. The dictionary defines empathy as understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings and experiences of others. Brené Brown's version matters more for leaders: empathy isn't sympathy, and it isn't problem-solving — it's understanding the other person's viewpoint. It does not mean you agree with them. "I understand why you feel that way" is not the same sentence as "you're right."
Sympathy observes; empathy climbs in
Sympathy feels for someone from a distance: "That must be so hard. I'm so sorry." Empathy feels with them — it climbs down into the hole and sits there. Lori learned the difference in high school, when her brother was killed in a car accident. Well-meaning people filed through the house all week saying things like "God must have needed an angel" and "stay strong for your mom." That was sympathy — kind, distant, and sometimes accidentally wounding. Empathy was her best friend Julia, who simply appeared in the house in her pajamas and didn't leave all summer: crying when Lori cried, laughing when she needed to laugh, and standing in the basement laundry room before the funeral saying "You don't go, I don't go." Neither of them knew the word for what that was. Brené Brown's shorthand captures it: empathy is letting people know you're not alone.
Why this belongs in your business plan
For the data-driven owners (Vonda raised her hand), the case is blunt. Unempathetic salespeople who ignore what matters to the customer lose customers. Employees who are consistently treated without empathy don't stick around — Lori talks to shop owners all the time who can't figure out their revolving door, and the honest answer is often "it's you." The damage compounds publicly, too: Lori watched a local store with a rigid return policy and unempathetic staff get bashed all over her city's Facebook group. Policies can be firm; delivery of them doesn't have to be cold. The research Lori shared backs it up: 87% of employees say mutual empathy between leaders and employees increases workplace efficiency, and the same share say it boosts creativity. 76% of employees with empathetic managers are highly engaged, and genuine recognition drives engagement up 60% — while over 80% of employees say they don't get enough recognition at all.
The 10-minute technique
The most practical moment of the class was a live role-play. Version one: the boss walks by a struggling employee, phone in hand, and says "I know something's going on — hope you get it figured out, let me know if you need help with your work," then walks off. Acknowledged, but empty. Version two: phone down, sitting beside her. "I have 10 minutes in about 20 minutes. If you're comfortable sharing, I'm all yours for those 10 minutes and we'll work through what we can — and these projects still have to be done by three, so tell me whether you'd rather have the time or the help." The employee in the class felt the difference instantly. The delay is deliberate: it gives her time to decide what she wants to say, and the timer is a boundary, not a barrier. If the news turns out to be devastating, you can turn the timer off. If it's a ten-day pattern rather than an out-of-character day — that's a different conversation, and constant rescuing helps no one.
That's the tension Lori names "professional empathy": practicing care even when it isn't your natural first response. Is that manipulation? Only if the heart behind it is "I act this way because it gets better performance." If it's "I'm not naturally empathetic, but I'm working on it" — that's growth, and it's allowed to have limits. As author Kelly Thompson puts it in Closing the Confidence Gap, empathy must come with boundaries, so that both parties stay resilient without the resentment and burnout that come from overstepping and overfunctioning.
Next week the series continues with the three types of empathy — cognitive, somatic, and compassionate, or as Lori taught her class to remember them: head, heart, and hands.
Key takeaways
- Empathy is a learnable skill — a muscle you strengthen, not a trait you're stuck with (or without).
- Understanding someone's perspective is not agreeing with it. "I get why you feel that way" ≠ "you're right."
- Lack of empathy costs real money: lost customers, revolving-door turnover, and public reviews.
- Try the 10-minute technique: phone down, timer set, undivided attention, and a clear return-to-work plan.
- Empathy needs boundaries — rescuing chronic drama isn't empathy, and burnout helps no one.