Episode 26: Feedback vs. Advice: It's all in the approach
"Hey, can I give you some feedback?" If that sentence makes your stomach drop, you're not alone — and your employees feel exactly the same way. In this episode, Vonda and Lori dig into the art of having tough conversations in your flower shop: why the words you choose matter more than you think, and a six-step framework that keeps a hard talk from turning into tears, defensiveness, or the blame game.
Why "advice" lands better than "feedback"
Lori opens with a simple language swap she picked up from an article: instead of announcing you have feedback, offer advice. Feedback carries baggage — most of us have never been called to the office for something good, so the word itself puts people on defense. "I'd like to give you a little advice" feels more nurturing, like someone actually thought about you and your work.
Vonda knows the stakes firsthand. She once had a beloved employee who would start crying the moment Vonda said "let's have a little conversation in the office." The problem wasn't the conversation — it was insecurity and perfectionism, and the office summons confirmed her worst fears. Vonda's eventual fix was brilliant in its simplicity: instead of calling her back for a talk, she'd say "I really need your input on something." Same conversation, completely different reception.
Know your employee before you open your mouth
Drawing on Mark Murphy of Leadership IQ, the hosts stress that self-awareness — yours and theirs — should shape every tough conversation. A highly self-aware employee (like Lori, who scored in the 90th percentile) will see where you're headed by step two and jump straight to solutions; with that person you only need two questions: "How do you think it went?" and "How can we do better next time?"
At the other extreme is the defensive blamer — the person who freaks out, cries, or insists nothing is ever their fault. Lori's warning: that mindset is contagious. If the rest of the staff sees blame working, they'll start using it too. Defuse it early and directly: "I don't care how it started — the history is unimportant. How are we going to move forward?"
The IDEALS framework for tough conversations
The heart of the episode is Mark Murphy's six-step IDEALS script — useful for managers, and just as useful for an employee who needs to have a hard talk with the boss:
- Invite them to partner. "Would you be willing to have a conversation with me about what happened yesterday?" People like being invited to help solve a problem.
- Disarm yourself. Say "I want to make sure I'm on the same page as you" — not "I want to make sure we're on the same page," which the employee hears as "agree with me."
- Eliminate blame. Blame doesn't move anyone forward. Different perspectives are fine; refusing to solve the problem is not.
- Affirm their choice. Let them pick the time — "Do you have a few minutes today?" A little control lowers defenses.
- List the facts. Just the facts, Dragnet-style: "We got a Google review saying the delivery driver was rude. You were the driver. I'd love to hear your side." Nothing there to refute.
- Synchronize your understanding. Come out of it together: "How do you think we can work on this?"
Lori shares a real Flower Clique member story: an owner ready to fire a warm-hearted but relentlessly chatty phone employee who kept pulling designers off task. Instead, he invited her into the solution — affirmed that customers loved her, asked how he could help, and let her design the plan. He agreed to play "bad guy" by shooing everyone back to work, and it worked. She kept her job, and the design room got its time back.
Winnie the Pooh language
Two delivery tips round it out. First, "low expressed emotion" — a technique Lori learned working with children: keep your tone even and calm like Winnie the Pooh, no matter what's happening. Second, avoid "you" statements, which trigger an automatic feeling of attack; lead with "I" instead — "I saw this, and I'm trying to figure out how it happened." As Lori points out, it's the same advice from marriage retreats and parenting — because it's just human nature.
Key takeaways
- Swap "feedback" for "advice" — the word alone changes how the conversation is received.
- Read the employee first: highly self-aware people need two questions, not six steps.
- Kill the blame game immediately: "I don't care how it started — how do we move forward?"
- Use the IDEALS script: invite, disarm, eliminate blame, affirm, list facts, synchronize.
- Calm tone, "I" statements, and facts only — no reading into anything.
Sponsored by:
Flower Clique
Flower Clique Prep School
Real Life Retail Florist